very short relationship and unplanned ... - Talk About Marriage

The Men's Clubhouse Talk about life's dilemmas.

Yesterday, 10:05 PM	? #1 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Aug 2012 Posts: 5	Hello, my name is bb (confidential) and I am looking for input from those in the similar situation as me so that we can share feeling and support each other as men. I am 34 old guy and never married and never had kids before. About a year ago, I met another lady 31 years old and we have been in touch ever since. It is a long distance relationship but so far we have managed in touch mostly by communication and we also met only twice during this period. looking at this it is even hard to say whether it is a really a relationship even though we call each other honey and gf/bf. Our second meeting was in long vacation trip during which had a great time but after that she became a pregnant. She informed me after the trip and news came as a shockwave to me and past few days I was barely able to function in my life let alone at work. 4-5 of days turmoil since the news and because it was unplanned. My instant reaction was to have an abortion after she told me and she jumped on saying I am not going to hear from you. That was the hardest shock I experienced and I know both of us has been overreacted. Slowly recovering after few days of shifting thoughts and minds, despair, helplessness, disorientation and I am starting to think about what happened today. Biggest dilemma is that although she is very sweet person to be with and I was planning to have a long time relationship with her. But I also know she is kinda bossy and tend to make decision alone with me. She also brought up the pregnancy question like what I would do if we know had a baby and I was really surprised about why she is saying about this so early but did not think much about it. I presumed that it is her kind of rushy reaction because of the fact she had no kids this late age and did not give much thought about it. During the vacation even before become pregnant I remember she has once told me that she would like to have kid from me and she does not care much if I stay with him or not. I was kinda surprised by this fact and assumed she might be saying this out of traumatizing experience in the past. She is very honest and loyal with no hidden agenda, but I found out that she has been married before and just before meeting me she had applied for divorce and had one abortion before. She said to me abortion one year ago and was her mistake and she regrets it whole life for getting rid of her baby and it has been traumatizing experience for her. Now she seem to be so determined to have the baby and will not list to any opinions from me about abortion. After my instant reaction by telling her abortion is my choice, I realized that I should not have told her the way I told her and later I talked about possibilities we have and what I think about it. Basically 3 choices, raising the kid together, she raising the kid, or abortion. She does not care whether I will be a father or not as this is really hurtful for me because I feel like I am a unimportant and she and baby is the most important. But every once a while she would say things like why would you like to kill your own baby, how can you even say something like that. This made me really disoriented and confused and I dont know what to do from now on. The fact this happened without plan has really putting strain on my life. According to her even discussion abortion to her is like torturing her because of the past experience. Now I dont wanna hurt her feeling so I am even afraid about telling her my true thoughts and kinda standing by. I just told her that I will support her whatever choice I make. And my thoughts are changing daily in the past few days, one time I would say like baby is going to wonderful and we are going to be wonderful family, but as soon as I talk to her about baby, my hearts starts pounding, shaking feeling, grief and anxiety. As soon as I start feeling like that really ****ty part of this experience comes to mind and I started telling her how unfortunate it was for me that I am left out of decision and she is doing it only for kid and herself not for me. This causes her to go mad but when I feel like that and even though I really dont wanna hurt her, i had no choice but express my opinion. Slowly, my thought process seem to be starting to stabilize after this type of wild mood swings and I hope the feeling will be better and I will be saying more rational things to her. I really do care for her and hurting her is the last thing I wanna do but I also feel my thoughts are considered and judged which is very very contradictory two thoughts at this time. I am kinda looking for advise on this matter if you are going through similar experience and would like some soothing advice as I have no one to talk to. I dont wanna to talk my mom about this becuase I dont wanna worry her she is so old. I just telling her that we are in discussion. I also dont wanna tell to my friends because I want my thoughts to be stable and not influenced by others and because I have a very independent mind and "own thoughts are best" person. So far we havent talked to each other one whole day (before we were talking several times a day). I hope this will give both of us time to think and get relaxed. I am really worried about where this thing is heading. Can we be a family? This is big question because adding to that I am just finding out we have some very opposite natures: both are stubborn, independent, like to go our own way, I even found this through astrological signs (i - capricorn, she -leo). We liked each other very much but her dominating, temperantal, feisty sides (add the past experience) are sometimes specially this time at odds with my determined, dominating and moody nature. If we clashes, things certainly goes bad and if we live together and have conflicting times like this, child will suffer. I really concerned about the whether we can work out our differences and tolerates each other. If we cannot, then child will suffer from our turbulent union. Can we live separate after the birth? If we do, she will certainly be the one keeping the baby. For her, giving me is probably not an option. We are also residing in a two different country far away. In this case, will I miss my baby or just forget about it? I dont know whether I will miss the child that happened this suddenly without my planning and without my intention. Will it give me a lifetime of sorrow and despair? For me it seems like some man are okay with this and some men can not live with this situation. How will child be raised in this situation? How it is like to be growing without father for child? Will she/he hate me or just be okay when baby grows up. Although I said she is not even thinking about abortion, in the unlikeliest case if she does, will it heal my wound? Becuase for me right now, my deep feeling is I want her to have an abortion but if she does it am I damned? So far abortion seems to be the best choice for me so that child will not have a potentially suffering future and baby will not ever know about it. If it sounds too cruel, I am sorry. Becuase I dont know how 3 of us will end up and I don't want child to suffer for whole life because of it. Because this is a permanent solution and I also dont wanna do anything that I regret again. I certainly dont want her to hurt too. According to her, because she did it once before and it was traumatizing experience, if she does it again, am I damned to be in hell for causing or influencing her to do this? I wanna be careful from now on because I already made series of mistakes if you are reading through this. So this is the story from now on, and I am hoping for the best outcome and happy life for everyone. If you have similar experience please share your thoughts and post your opinions. Last edited by ggtam000; Yesterday at 10:14 PM.
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Today, 12:01 AM	? #9 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Dec 2011 Location: New Mexico Posts: 5,283	Do not just assume this is your baby. If you continue to have a relationship with this woman and the child, make sure you get a paternity test. Assuming this is your baby, you may as well stop the negative thinking. You are apparently going to be a father. You talk about her choices. Well you have a different set of choices. Marrying her because she is having a baby is a bad idea. Marriages that start this way do not last. Now if later you decide that you want to marry her because you love her, that's a different story. So will you be a father to this child it the DNA test shows it's your child? That the choice that you have to make. I don't know why you are so surprised that she is pregnant... that's what happens when you have sex. So you chose to take a chance at creating a child.
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Today, 12:27 AM	? #10 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Aug 2012 Posts: 5	Quote: Do not just assume this is your baby. If you continue to have a relationship with this woman and the child, make sure you get a paternity test. Assuming this is your baby, you may as well stop the negative thinking. You are apparently going to be a father. You talk about her choices. Well you have a different set of choices. Marrying her because she is having a baby is a bad idea. Marriages that start this way do not last. Now if later you decide that you want to marry her because you love her, that's a different story. So will you be a father to this child it the DNA test shows it's your child? That the choice that you have to make. I don't know why you are so surprised that she is pregnant... that's what happens when you have sex. So you chose to take a chance at creating a child. ElleGirl, thx for advice. According to her said first time we did was in hotel in uk, based on her test's finding, the timing of the conception and first day of vacation hotel is just about right. I don't have any doubts on this but if it comes to this, of course I will ask for a paternity test. I know we have different set of choices and preferences which is at odds with each other. I also certainly think that marrying her just because of baby is absurd and does not work that way. But either outcome most likely outcome is I will not be with her because of the length of our relationship, number of meets and this kind of turbulent experience at such an early time of our relationship.
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Today, 10:40 AM	? #15 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Jun 2012 Posts: 408	Quote: Hello, my name is bb (confidential) and I am looking for input from those in the similar situation as me so that we can share feeling and support each other as men. I am 34 old guy and never married and never had kids before. About a year ago, I met another lady 31 years old and we have been in touch ever since. It is a long distance relationship but so far we have managed in touch mostly by communication and we also met only twice during this period. looking at this it is even hard to say whether it is a really a relationship even though we call each other honey and gf/bf. Our second meeting was in long vacation trip during which had a great time but after that she became a pregnant. She informed me after the trip and news came as a shockwave to me and past few days I was barely able to function in my life let alone at work. 4-5 of days turmoil since the news and because it was unplanned. My instant reaction was to have an abortion after she told me and she jumped on saying I am not going to hear from you. That was the hardest shock I experienced and I know both of us has been overreacted. Slowly recovering after few days of shifting thoughts and minds, despair, helplessness, disorientation and I am starting to think about what happened today. Biggest dilemma is that although she is very sweet person to be with and I was planning to have a long time relationship with her. But I also know she is kinda bossy and tend to make decision alone with me. She also brought up the pregnancy question like what I would do if we know had a baby and I was really surprised about why she is saying about this so early but did not think much about it. I presumed that it is her kind of rushy reaction because of the fact she had no kids this late age and did not give much thought about it. During the vacation even before become pregnant I remember she has once told me that she would like to have kid from me and she does not care much if I stay with him or not. I was kinda surprised by this fact and assumed she might be saying this out of traumatizing experience in the past. She is very honest and loyal with no hidden agenda, but I found out that she has been married before and just before meeting me she had applied for divorce and had one abortion before. She said to me abortion one year ago and was her mistake and she regrets it whole life for getting rid of her baby and it has been traumatizing experience for her. Now she seem to be so determined to have the baby and will not list to any opinions from me about abortion. After my instant reaction by telling her abortion is my choice, I realized that I should not have told her the way I told her and later I talked about possibilities we have and what I think about it. Basically 3 choices, raising the kid together, she raising the kid, or abortion. She does not care whether I will be a father or not as this is really hurtful for me because I feel like I am a unimportant and she and baby is the most important. But every once a while she would say things like why would you like to kill your own baby, how can you even say something like that. This made me really disoriented and confused and I dont know what to do from now on. The fact this happened without plan has really putting strain on my life. According to her even discussion abortion to her is like torturing her because of the past experience. Now I dont wanna hurt her feeling so I am even afraid about telling her my true thoughts and kinda standing by. I just told her that I will support her whatever choice I make. And my thoughts are changing daily in the past few days, one time I would say like baby is going to wonderful and we are going to be wonderful family, but as soon as I talk to her about baby, my hearts starts pounding, shaking feeling, grief and anxiety. As soon as I start feeling like that really ****ty part of this experience comes to mind and I started telling her how unfortunate it was for me that I am left out of decision and she is doing it only for kid and herself not for me. This causes her to go mad but when I feel like that and even though I really dont wanna hurt her, i had no choice but express my opinion. Slowly, my thought process seem to be starting to stabilize after this type of wild mood swings and I hope the feeling will be better and I will be saying more rational things to her. I really do care for her and hurting her is the last thing I wanna do but I also feel my thoughts are considered and judged which is very very contradictory two thoughts at this time. I am kinda looking for advise on this matter if you are going through similar experience and would like some soothing advice as I have no one to talk to. I dont wanna to talk my mom about this becuase I dont wanna worry her she is so old. I just telling her that we are in discussion. I also dont wanna tell to my friends because I want my thoughts to be stable and not influenced by others and because I have a very independent mind and "own thoughts are best" person. So far we havent talked to each other one whole day (before we were talking several times a day). I hope this will give both of us time to think and get relaxed. I am really worried about where this thing is heading. Can we be a family? This is big question because adding to that I am just finding out we have some very opposite natures: both are stubborn, independent, like to go our own way, I even found this through astrological signs (i - capricorn, she -leo). We liked each other very much but her dominating, temperantal, feisty sides (add the past experience) are sometimes specially this time at odds with my determined, dominating and moody nature. If we clashes, things certainly goes bad and if we live together and have conflicting times like this, child will suffer. I really concerned about the whether we can work out our differences and tolerates each other. If we cannot, then child will suffer from our turbulent union. Can we live separate after the birth? If we do, she will certainly be the one keeping the baby. For her, giving me is probably not an option. We are also residing in a two different country far away. In this case, will I miss my baby or just forget about it? I dont know whether I will miss the child that happened this suddenly without my planning and without my intention. Will it give me a lifetime of sorrow and despair? For me it seems like some man are okay with this and some men can not live with this situation. How will child be raised in this situation? How it is like to be growing without father for child? Will she/he hate me or just be okay when baby grows up. Although I said she is not even thinking about abortion, in the unlikeliest case if she does, will it heal my wound? Becuase for me right now, my deep feeling is I want her to have an abortion but if she does it am I damned? So far abortion seems to be the best choice for me so that child will not have a potentially suffering future and baby will not ever know about it. If it sounds too cruel, I am sorry. Becuase I dont know how 3 of us will end up and I don't want child to suffer for whole life because of it. Because this is a permanent solution and I also dont wanna do anything that I regret again. I certainly dont want her to hurt too. According to her, because she did it once before and it was traumatizing experience, if she does it again, am I damned to be in hell for causing or influencing her to do this? I wanna be careful from now on because I already made series of mistakes if you are reading through this. So this is the story from now on, and I am hoping for the best outcome and happy life for everyone. If you have similar experience please share your thoughts and post your opinions. Do not have an abortion. I am a 26 year old man that was adopted. My biological mother was 16 and almost had me aborted. I am sorry but that thing inside your girlfriend is not a toy or an object it is half of you. I have a wife, two step kids, and a son who is mine. I thank god, and my biological mother for this everyday. Just because you had on oops doesn't mean you get to run a flip a switch. If you aren't ready for a child then there are thousands of families on the waiting list to adopt a child. IMO abortion is cowardly beyond all measures. You are in you 30's and you aren't married it doesn't matter because your son or daughter will love you and call you daddy. You may be afraid of those words but when it is your own progeny, your future legacy on this planet calling you father you will hunger for that word daily. You also need to make sure this child is really yours you are in a LDR and she could be sleeping around. You might piss her off when you ask for a DNA test but so what better now than later. Especially if you do get in a relationship with her and find out later the baby is someone else's.
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